Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Am I allowed to complain? Am I allowed to scream anymore... my sisters have their lives, their problems and they try their best to face them.

... but my problems were caused by one person, one man who decided to let himself drown in a relationship and things to escape his own pain... I hate that man. I hate the man who wouldn't leave me alone. I hate the man who stole from me, and broke my trust over and over.... I hate the man who has dragged me down and has stolen my hope and happiness for the future.

There is no plans of joy in the future. There is just the desperate clawing for survival... and my talons are breaking. I have such few places to run from the tears, the pain that spews from my center and consumes each of my cells.... I don't want to move.

My body feeling like it's full of poison and bile and I just want to stop moving. I want it to stop, I want it to all bleed out of me. I'd rather just feel empty than this but I can't. I can't do anything to stop the pain.. I can't hurt myself, can't let the pain bleed out of me. I can't hurt the man who has broken and drowned me over and over since that will bring me no change and I can't hurt the woman he used as an exuse since she is unknowning of his crimes.

.... I have no desire to die, I can not stop moving. But it hurts me over and over. The inability to just breathe freely with joy... no worries..... I hear him now and I hate him.

... We owe five thousand dollars at least due to taxes from two years ago. The man, my father, was laid off in March because of his medication and because he would not listen to anything with sense.Since October of last year to that point he'd drain my money dry in what were claims of helping his girlfriend or wooing her. I still don't know how much was true and how much was just lies for more drugs

He's in trade school starting in nine days. But it'll be four months before he finishes and can get a full time job. Our only hope to maybe pay off the debit from the taxes, only that part of the overwhelming debit he created, is to try and sell two objects of mine that are spots memorabilia and what we believe is an ivory crucifix . In this economy we're not having much hope there... at least I'm not.

The first thing he talked to me about this morning, I slept in having stayed up late trying to finish enjoying a story-one of the things I try to lose myself in due to the joy to hide from all this- and looking up part time work for him and where the irs buildings are.... the first thing he ask was if I had looked at the federal or local taxes... the hope for an extension to give us a chance for him to finish school and start working was in fact a false hope... but it allowed me to get rid of all the fear, sorrow, the utter crushing despair that this looming.... this reality of most likely being forced from my own home before winter sets in.

This time Last year I was working on school work, having finished it I was one final semester away from finally getting my Associates degree in English that I'd been working on and off again for for the last few years.... now I'm most likely going to be homeless because my father was an idiot.

If I didn't have Jep and Asti supporting me everyday, the rest of my spiritual family being there when I let them see me (I have a great tendency not to show up visible) but still every time we talk no matter how rare helps, my few friends who know about this, and a very special kitty I think I really would be immobilized by it all.

It'll take time to put the mask of joy back one, the same mask I use to go and feel as if I'm strong enough to get through this all, even if it means lying to myself and to the world until it's true.... but I'll get there.

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