Friday, September 30, 2011

A Lovely experince

Is not what I had tonight. Tonight while my father and I went to the store we ran into a certain someone. His old dealer, who he owed money to. Suffice to say the konny and dad were not too pleased when he offered to "help us to our car". Cutting to the chase I had to go and pay the man $80, 60 for what dad owed and 20 for "late charges". It's over now , we won't have something like this to deal with in the future even if it did cost me all the money I had in my back. It just means dad has to go and pawn his tv again and sell scrap to a scrapyard and from that see what money we have left.

The irony of this is his is the only tv now in the house after mine went and burned itself up on Tuesday night, the same day I went and paid $100 to get some of our pawned items back.

Grr I'm just really hoping that dad is able to get a job soon to help with things, we just got a notice that the village wants to shut off our water and we need to pay 35 to keep it on Tuesday and dad gets his unemployment money Wednesday. What we're hoping for is  ajanitorial job on mondays that paws 8.50 on the 12 hour day. But that's perfect as it's just below the amount we're allowed before going having unemployment take money... will jusst have to see how things go I suppose

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Love Letter to my dear ones

Hi.... Well if you're reading this it means you found my little blog... ^_^ Ummm this is to you my family.

I love you. Each and everyone of you. Alden, Asti, Jep, Arcvelesti,Silver, Kita, Krysta, Amber, Monica, Melody, DC, Casper-yes even you dear one, and the ones we've yet to meet.

We are what are are, and part of that is family. We may cause each other annoyance, sorrow, the desire to bop them upside the head with a newspaper. But that is what being a family is. We may not say these words much, may not even realize they exist yet to be spoken to one another. But they can and will be born....

This is hard for me to do, speaking out loud as odd as it may seem. I can be at ease when speaking but... to do this is hard since I do not normally speak up unless I have a reason- I am just content in knowing that one is a handswidth away. But that... even so I realize every so often that I am not one who speaks these words often enough to those I don't normally speak to.

So Everyone, those that I speak to regularly, those I speak with semi regulary, and those that can count how many times we've spoken on one hand/paw/whatever...

I Love You
I am praying and wishing for your joys, that you are able to smile and mean it. I am unable to do so much in this world, but these things I do each day. Each day a part of me is wanting only the best for you. And for that I want something in return,

Know That You Are NEVER Alone
I Am Here, We Are Here.

No matter what may be going on between us, we may be fighting arguing. But I know deep down if we ever need it we will give whatever support we can.

Words, Action, Thoughts, Emotions. We Will Share Them

With Love From Deep Within This Heart, Konton

PS: The stuff in the post before this, things have taken a much bettter turn

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Am I allowed to complain? Am I allowed to scream anymore... my sisters have their lives, their problems and they try their best to face them.

... but my problems were caused by one person, one man who decided to let himself drown in a relationship and things to escape his own pain... I hate that man. I hate the man who wouldn't leave me alone. I hate the man who stole from me, and broke my trust over and over.... I hate the man who has dragged me down and has stolen my hope and happiness for the future.

There is no plans of joy in the future. There is just the desperate clawing for survival... and my talons are breaking. I have such few places to run from the tears, the pain that spews from my center and consumes each of my cells.... I don't want to move.

My body feeling like it's full of poison and bile and I just want to stop moving. I want it to stop, I want it to all bleed out of me. I'd rather just feel empty than this but I can't. I can't do anything to stop the pain.. I can't hurt myself, can't let the pain bleed out of me. I can't hurt the man who has broken and drowned me over and over since that will bring me no change and I can't hurt the woman he used as an exuse since she is unknowning of his crimes.

.... I have no desire to die, I can not stop moving. But it hurts me over and over. The inability to just breathe freely with joy... no worries..... I hear him now and I hate him.

... We owe five thousand dollars at least due to taxes from two years ago. The man, my father, was laid off in March because of his medication and because he would not listen to anything with sense.Since October of last year to that point he'd drain my money dry in what were claims of helping his girlfriend or wooing her. I still don't know how much was true and how much was just lies for more drugs

He's in trade school starting in nine days. But it'll be four months before he finishes and can get a full time job. Our only hope to maybe pay off the debit from the taxes, only that part of the overwhelming debit he created, is to try and sell two objects of mine that are spots memorabilia and what we believe is an ivory crucifix . In this economy we're not having much hope there... at least I'm not.

The first thing he talked to me about this morning, I slept in having stayed up late trying to finish enjoying a story-one of the things I try to lose myself in due to the joy to hide from all this- and looking up part time work for him and where the irs buildings are.... the first thing he ask was if I had looked at the federal or local taxes... the hope for an extension to give us a chance for him to finish school and start working was in fact a false hope... but it allowed me to get rid of all the fear, sorrow, the utter crushing despair that this looming.... this reality of most likely being forced from my own home before winter sets in.

This time Last year I was working on school work, having finished it I was one final semester away from finally getting my Associates degree in English that I'd been working on and off again for for the last few years.... now I'm most likely going to be homeless because my father was an idiot.

If I didn't have Jep and Asti supporting me everyday, the rest of my spiritual family being there when I let them see me (I have a great tendency not to show up visible) but still every time we talk no matter how rare helps, my few friends who know about this, and a very special kitty I think I really would be immobilized by it all.

It'll take time to put the mask of joy back one, the same mask I use to go and feel as if I'm strong enough to get through this all, even if it means lying to myself and to the world until it's true.... but I'll get there.